The One myth

"I'm looking for my soulmate. I want to meet THE ONE." How many Internet dating profiles, conversations, and psychotherapy sessions have begun with these statements?

Relationships, be it relationship troubles, improving relationships, learning how to communicate in relationships, external problems affecting relationship quality, ending relationships, and/or searching for relationships, are what brought people to my therapy office most of the time.

Multi-million dollar industries have emerged to help people find relationships; a soulmate; the one. Four years ago, after little success meeting a mate the old-fashioned way (mutual attraction and flirting), I tried Internet dating. I logged on and found a cross-section of singles searching for relationships. I wrote a profile and browsed profiles. I wasn't quite sure for who I was looking, but knew "the man" I was supposed to meet was "out there," somewhere.

Writing my profile was the first time I'd specifically thought about what qualities I'm looking for in a partner. This struck me as odd as a large part of therapeutic work involves setting treatment and life goals. Why hadn't I set a relationship goal for myself? Before you can achieve a goal, you need to know you want.

After reading many profiles and going on dozens of first dates (over 70 in 18 months in NYC, Boston, Western Europe, and the UK) I discovered a great many people don't know who or what they're looking for in a relationship. When asked for whom they're looking, most reply, "I'm looking for 'the one.' Someone with a good sense of humor, attractive, good chemistry. I'll know it when I see it."

Yeah, that really narrows it down. Most people put more thought into their choice of breakfast cereal than their relationships. If you don't know for what you're looking, how will you know where to look, much less recognize it if you're ever lucky enough to stumble across it?

There is no "one" person. "The One" is a myth, an artifact of the Platonic ideal and Romantic Age perpetuated by Hollywood and contemporary folklore. There's no "one" perfect person. For that matter, there's no such thing as "perfection." A sense of peace and wholeness has nothing to do with perfection, real or imagined.

Relationships and marriages fail because people join for misguided reasons. Common values, emotional styles, and shared life goals are more important than "instant/crazy" chemistry, similar interests and leisure pursuits, but most people don't know it and is largely why most of these relationships are doomed to fail.

The instant chemistry most individuals experience is nothing more than projection, pure and complex. What we "see" and who the other person is in reality are often two very different things. Just because two people enjoy playing water polo and watching "The Golden Girls" doesn't make them compatible.

I've read profiles in which people are seeking a partner who enjoys skiing or rock climbing or kayaking, etc. Are you looking for a girlfriend - boyfriend - spouse or a sports and leisure club? Granted, there are individuals who devoutly pursue their leisure activities every weekend, in which case, their leisure activity has become a value; a lifestyle.

Basing your selection of a mate upon what you like to do on summer vacation is hardly sound reasoning. People divorce because of irresolvable conflict. It's easier to compromise on interests. For example, "If you go to the opera with me on Friday; I'll watch Celebrity Poker on Saturday."

Depending on maturity level and depth of commitment, it makes one happy to be able to do this for a loved one. It's much more difficult, if not impossible, to compromise on values and communicate and connect effectively if you've different emotional styles and temperaments.

Perhaps the divorce rate wouldn't be so high if more people entering into marriage waited for the first flush of ardor to cool and openly discussed these matters. I wonder how many people who blindly gallop down the aisle, believing they're marrying "the one," end up in divorce court later?

Sometimes the simplest concepts are often the most difficult to grasp; even for me. People aren't likely to change values, as they're part of one's identity. Think of values as major internal organs like the heart and lungs. Think of interests as accessories like jewelry and neckties. We need our heart and lungs to live; charm bracelets and neckerchiefs are optional. Values and emotional style trump interests.

There's more than "one" person for us all, if we broaden our expectations. This is good news. It means we have more choices and increases the odds that out of all the people in the world there's only one who could be right for you.