When it comes to dating, I often hear people talk abut finding their soulmate- their one true love. The idea is that there is a certain person in the world that grasps the inner workings of your soul, someone with whom you can communicate easily and without even words at times. You have such a profound connection that it is as if you have always known each other and it doesn't make sense to think about life going forward without that person. You didn't even know it until you met this person, but this is what you have been looking for your whole life.
Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Well, first let me tell you what it isn't. Many people have the experience I just described when they first fall in love. It can be instantaneous and with someone you hardly know or are prevented from being with due to circumstances or distance. Psychologists call this romantic state limerence, or infatuation, and it gives you the sense that you are mystically merged with the one you love. But, being infatuated does not mean you have found your soulmate. Infatuation lasts from two to three years, a soulmate is for life.
If all goes well, infatuation will evolve into attachment- the secure sense that you are with someone who makes you feel safe and known. You can still find romantic feelings of excitement from time to time but when you grow into the experience of attachment the dominant feeling is no longer euphoria, but contentment. Here is where it is possible to find your soulmate. With secure attachment you can know and be known, trust and be trusted with a partner who complements your life. Finding your soulmate is usually not something that happens instantly. As with all matters of the soul, it takes time. You won't find your soulmate by looking outward and examining others, you will find him or her by looking inward and becoming a spiritual and emotional person of depth yourself. Rather than looking for the right person, spend your efforts becoming the right person and with enough time and effort your soulmate will be more likely to appear.
So how do you know if you are soulmate material? Ask yourself a few questions. First, do you blame people for failed relationships? Blame looks backwards and tries to find fault. This is rarely helpful or growth producing (This includes blaming yourself as well as others). Focus on what you can learn instead of who you can blame. Second, do you act or react in relationships? People who react make decisions in response to what others feel and believe. People who take action know how they feel, have clear values and can initiate steps towards their own growth. Being clear about who you are helps you know when you have found someone who is a good fit. And third, have you found the balance between being vulnerable to others and self care? Are you too invested in protecting yourself, or on the other extreme do you need better boundaries? Love requires a balance between taking care of yourself and caring for others. Spiritually healthy relationships have balance.
If you have asked yourself these questions then you are moving in the right direction. Becoming a good soulmate is the best way to find one.
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